This old man, he played seven. He played knick-knack up in heaven. With a knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone, this old man came rolling home.
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! Yep, that’s right! Numbers are fun! Numbers are your friends. I’ll be there for you. When the rain starts to pour. I’ll be there for you. Like I’ve been there before. I’ll be there for you. Because you’re there for me too. Numbers are there for you. Sports numbers. Fun numbers. Baseball numbers. Like reading reading the back of your old George Brett rookie card. Like scouring the box scores in your USA Today. Like spending hours of your work day on Baseball-Reference Dot Com. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been numbers. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But numbers have marked the time. So today I am spanning the globe bringing you some Opening Day numbers:
King Felix Hernandez
I am King of the diamond! The King sat down twelve batters in the Mariners‘ 4-0 win over the A’s. Those who are tardy get no fruit cup! That made him the first Opening Day pitcher to K at least twelve without allowing a run since Bullet Bob Gibson did it for the Cardinals in 1967. Gibson struck out thirteen in a complete-game shutout over the Giants. Bullet Bob went on to win an MVP, a World Series MVP, nine Gold Gloves, two Cy Youngs and made the All-Star team eight times. Pretty good company for the young fella. Come and knock on our door. We’ll be waiting for you. Long live the King!
Ben Sheets
Satin Sheets threw a two-hit complete game and did not walk a batter. Not a single solitary batter. He’ll be what he am. Not a solitary man. He was the first pitcher to hurl an Opening Day complete game while allowing two or fewer hits since the Braves’ and Billerica’s own, Big Game Tommy Glavine did it back in 1992. The last pitcher to allow two or fewer hits and not issue a walk in an Opening Day complete game was Hall-of-Famer Lefty Grove for the Red Sox way back in 1940. Yowza! Now if this cat just stays healthy….
Johan Santana
Simply the best. Better than all the rest. Better than anyone, anyone I’ve ever met. Two time Cy Young winner. Get the papers, get the papers. Pitching’s Triple Crown. After Monday, this cat has now won twenty-four straight regular-season games at home. So what, you say? Big deal, you say? Who cares, you say? I say it’s just one shy of the Major League record. He’s so high that they call him Your Highness. If you don’t know him then pardon his shyness. The only other streaks that long, both occurred before 1900: Louisville won twenty-five straight home games started by Scott Stratton from 1890 to 1891; and Brooklyn won twenty-four straight home games started by Tom Lovett in 1890. Guys you never heard of. You heard of Johan. So will your kids.
New York Yankees
I hate do do this. Hate to poke into this. Awww screw this. The Yankees have now won ten straight home openers. That ties a major-league record set by the Pirates from 1945 through 1954. The Preacher Roe Pirates. The Dixie Walker Pirates. The Ralph Kiner Pirates. The Vern Law Pirates. The Joe Garagiola Pirates. The Danny Murtaugh Pirates. The Roy Face Pirates. Say Professor, what’s another name for pirate treasure? Well I think it’s booty, boo, boo, boo, booty, that’s what it is.
Scott Kazmir
Meet the ex-Mets. Meet the ex-Mets. Stand right up and greet the ex-Mets! Scott Kazmir was the youngest pitcher (23 years, 68 days) ever to start a season opener at Yankee Stadium. Breaking the mark set by Early Wynn (23 years, 106 days) for the 1943 Senators. Kid-K for Victor Zambrano and the inimitable Bartolo Fortunato. Would you do it again?
Tony Pena Jr.
Junior hit two triples in the Royals’ win over my beloved Red Sox. With those, he became the first big leaguer to hit two triples on Opening Day since Tommy Henrich did it for the Yankees in 1950. I think I like this Junior best. Ken Griffey Jr. Jerry Hairston Jr. Gary Matthews Jr. Tony Armas Jr. Sandy Alomar Jr. Pedro Borbon Jr. Jose Cruz Jr. Ya, I like this Junior best.
Grady Sizemore
Fantasy baseball’s next big thing. He hit a home run to lead off the first inning for the Tribe. Good wood. Solid spank. Major league crank. Sizemore was only the third player in Indians history to hit a leadoff home run on Opening Day. Charlie Jamieson did it in 1925. Cuckoo Jameison. Julio Franco did it too. In 1988. Who keeps you cheerin’ year after year? Who? Who? Who’s got the ballpark? The best is all right here! Grady Sizemore. That’s who.
Hanley Ramirez
Why can’t we get guys like him? He had four hits and scored four runs for the Marlins on Monday afternoon. Hanley was just the fourth player in the last fifty years to have four or more hits and score four or more runs in his team’s season opener. His old manager, Joe Girardi, did it in back in 1995. Jose Valentin did it for Milwaukee at California in 1996. Dmitri Young also did it for Detroit vs. Kansas City in 2005. They all did it. Doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well. I represent Queens she was raised out in Brooklyn.
Frank Thomas
The Big Hurt. I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel. I focus on the pain. The only thing that’s real. Johnny Cash style. The Big Hurt is for real. For really real for real. He extended his Opening Day hitting streak to thirteen games. That’s the longest streak of its kind since Will the Thrill Clark hit in fourteen consecutive Opening Day games from 1986 to 2000. Will the Thrill. The Natural. Now that’s what a baseball player looks like. He was one of the most clutch players I ever saw. The grand salami off of Maddux. The two RBIs off of Mitch Williams. The sweetest swing you ever did see. And remember kids, it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing.
Elijah Dukes
The guy I was chastised into cutting from my fantasy baseball team. Smooth move Columbo. His first major league hit was a home run on Opening Day. It’s the fourth straight season in which a player’s first major league hit was an Opening Day home run. Kaz Matsui did it for the Meet the Mets in 2004. Jeff Home Run Baker did it for the Rockies in 2005. Kenji Johjima for the Mariners in 2006. Prior to Matsui in 2004, you had to go back to 1986 to find a player who did that. You guessed it. The Giants’ Will Clark. Like I said, it don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that swing. Shooby dooby wop doo wah!
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!